It Really Frosts My Cookies

Smurf Killing - seriously

I found this highly disturbing and almost entertaining but my inner five year old is a little too traumatized to truly appreciate the actual humor that exists in this - but I’ll get there…most likely in like five minutes.

UNICEF Snuffs Smurfs

by Josh Grossberg
Oct 11, 2005, 8:00 AM PT

It’s just another smurfy day in Smurf Village. The perpertually perky blue beings frolic around the fire, holding hands and singing that “tra-la-la-la-la-la” tune as bluebirds flutter by and rabbits hop around.

A regular Smurftopia.

But then the bombs come.

Hundreds of them raining down from warplanes in the sky, wiping out the mushroom-shaped abodes. Amid the fiery explosions, Smurfette is killed. Papa Smurf disappears. As the smoke clears, only an orphaned Baby Smurf remains, sobbing among the corpses.

No, this is not some pipe dream of Gargamel. The Smurfocide was instead perpetuated by the United Nations Children’s Fund, or UNICEF.

UNICEF’s Belgian office is using the Smurfs as the centerpiece of a new fundraising initiative to shock viewers into donating money to help children in war-torn regions. The agency also hopes to rehabilitate former child soldiers in Burundi.

“The idea of using familiar, reassuring childhood icons in a decidedly dangerous context was intended to bring home to the public the horrendous nature of this theft of children’s rights,” says UNICEF’s Gaelle Buasson.

“We could have shown real-live images of children wounded in Iraq, Palestine or other places. But we refused this option because they would not respect the dignity and rights of the depicted children…So we decided to use ‘fictive’ cartoon images.”

Dubbed the first adults-only version of The Smurfs, UNICEF’s 30-second ‘toon ends with the tagline: “Don’t let war affect the lives of children.”

After coming up with the idea for the Smurfogeddon, UNICEF obtained permission to create the short from IMPS, which took over control of the critters after the death of their creator, the Belgian cartoonist Peyo. The clip was previewed on Belgian TV last week during evening newscasts.

According to London’s Daily Telegraph, the spot evoked mixed emotions from viewers—including shock from children who accidentally caught the spot.

But the clip received a thumbs up from the official Smurf fan club. “I think it will wake up some people. It is so un-Smurf-like, it might get people to think,” a spokesman told the Telegraph.

Julie Lamoureux, account director for Publicis, the ad agency that created the campaign, says the original concept included even more graphic imagery of weapons of mass Smurfstruction.

“We wanted something that was real war—Smurfs losing arms, or a Smurf losing a head—but they said no,” she told the Telegraph.

The clip will begin airing regularly next week in Belgium, but only after 9 p.m., and run through April. UNICEF says response has been so strong that the short could soon be seen in Europe, Latin America and Australia with the stipulations that it must air after 7 p.m. local time, it can only be aired with information explaining the clip, and it cannot be put on the Internet. There are no current plans to broadcast the clip in the U.S.

For Stateside fans, and those who prefer their Smurfs intact, a 3-D, CGI-animated Smurfs feature film will bow in theaters in 2008. The extravaganza from Paramount’s Nickelodeon Movies will be the first in a planned trilogy.

Unemployment Line

So it finally happened - I moved back to the big bad Bay Area. Can you believe it???

I’m here to save some money by living rent free (thanks mom) and go back to school to see if this time I can actually finish…which is still to be determined. I start classes on Thursday and am less than excited. I was never built to be a typical student and now with four years in NYC, I’m definitely not suited to be a DVC student for two semesters - but it’s ONLY two semesters and then I am hopefully off to SF State - unless they determine me to be undesirable…which is just ridiculous cause I’m fabulous.

I have no real plan - I’m debating between getting into television production or music or radio or event management.…I’m very torn. So at the moment I guess I’m open to everything - there’s only one problem - I NEED A JOB!!! Preferably something related to my interests above…but I suppose beggars can’t be choosers.

So if anyone has any leads, friends who need help on projects, etc. let me know - I am so available it’s becoming painful.

Hustle and Flow Screening

In case anyone is interested, I just got an email about this from GenArt. Thought some of the SF folks may want to go out and support Craig:

SPECIAL ADVANCE SCREENING & PARTY FOR HUSTLE & FLOW

Tuesday, June 28th
7:00pm

AMC 1000 Van Ness
1000 Van Ness Avenue
San Francisco, CA
*Discounted parking with validation

After-Party:
9:30pm - 11:30pm
Mr. Smith’s
34 7th Street
San Francisco, CA
*Complimentary Valet Parking for all Gen Art members

Complimentary beverages provided by Boru Vodka, Stella Artois, & Red Diamond Wines.

TICKETS:
(include screening & after-party)
Gen Art Members: 2 complimentary tickets
Non-Members: $15/person

Visit www.genart.org or call (415) 284-9400

Weekend in Paris

So I went to Paris this weekend with my mom for a little mini break. It was better than I ever expected and we had an amazing time. We drank and ate everything in sight…and then we drank some more. Mom managed to make friends with complete strangers minding their own business - as is her charming habit - and we walked what we felt like was the entire length of the city.

I am going to do everything in my power to go back to live in Paris for at least six months. I want to get my french back to an acceptable standard.…okay I want to get it back to what I consider to be an acceptable standard. At the very least I will go for a summer, rent an apartment, and relax my days away at cafes and immerse myself in french classes at the Sorbonne again. This time I want to get myself a French boyfriend instead of an English one. English accents are great, but I need to be forced to speak french and what better way than with a sexy frenchman? or a few sexy frenchmen perhaps???

On my way home on this particular trip I unknowingly stumbled on the most amazing airport feature. I was taking the escaltor downstairs to what I thought was the restaurant area. I walked into the room directly in front of me and found myself surrounded by comfortable cushy chairs, a huge flat screen tv with CNN on, and a buffet of croissants, pain au chocolat, biscuits, baguettes, and every juice and coffee imaginable.

My first reaction was “Well this is awfully nice of Air France! How thoughtful!” as I proceeded to take a pain au chocolat and two helpings of fresh orange juice. I sat down and watched CNN and relaxed very happily in the comfiest airport chair ever. Then about a half hour later I noticed the woman across from me take out her cell phone. She was American and was discussing what time she’d be back in the States with someone and I thought “Well that’s strange, only really well off people can afford international cell service…shouldn’t she be in like the private first class area?”

Well.…then i saw this woman at the front desk in front of the door (she must have been away from the desk when i walked in) and she was checking everyone in who walked in the door. and then i realized - oh fuck! i am IN the first class lounge!!! eating their food, drinking their beverages, and enjoying their tv! and then i thought well fuck me - this is great! I’ve broken into their world and gotten away with it, bravo to me! apparently I am a very convincing first class passenger.

But about ten minutes later i decided to high tail it out of there in case the desk lady noticed that she hadn’t checked me in. But whatever - i got FREE breakfast out of it and killed an hour watching tv and it was fabulous. The only awkward moment came when I boarded the plane to go home and the woman with the cell phone was getting situated in her first class seat…she defintiely recognized me from “our” lounge and watched with obvious distaste as I made my way ALL the way back to coach.

The Joys of Renting a Piece of Shit Apartment

Recently I started to notice that my once appealing apartment was beginning to show some wear and tear. Bearing in mind that I live in an old apartment building and shouldn’t expect much, I generally just shrugged my shoulders and figured life could be worse and have been dealing with the little things that keep going wrong.

Lately it has become rather difficult to get out of our bathroom. BUT only if you actually close the door. So the lingering dilemma in our apartment was this: Is it more important to have privacy while in the bathroom and risk not being able to get out, or is it more important to maintain some sort of dignity and not be crying for help to be let out of the bathroom every time you use it? The general consensus between me and my roommate has been to just not completely close the door, close it enough so we know someone is in there, turn the faucet on to signify that it is being used, whatever, just don’t close it unless you want a real challenge with a busted up piece of metal that day.

Now, NORMAL folk would call the super and get it fixed. However, New Yorkers such as ourselves try to avoid our super. She’s a little bit crazy and the less time spent with her the better. To quote the building’s exterminator “If I had to live in this building with your super I’d either drink myself to death or kill the bitch myself”. So you see, we figured a janky bathroom door was worth putting up with in order to avoid a drinking problem or god forbid a homicide.

Last night however put things in perspective. My roommate’s cousin is staying at our apartment for the weekend and had indeed been given the APPROPRIATE warning about the door. Yet somehow at around 11pm last night, the door shut. I was TRYING to sleep seeing as how I had to be up at 5:30am. But who in the world could sleep with this tragedy unfolding outside my screen of a door.

Profanities were yelled, a continuous muted whimpering was heard from inside the bathroom, the crazy Russian or Czech or something or other super was incorrectly lecturing us on why it wasn’t opening, and downstairs outside my window, the super’s not so sharp daughter was attempting to throw a kinda sharp screwdriver upstairs to the poor guy in the bathroom who just wanted to get out.

Finally, after about 45 minutes the poor soul was released, the drama was over, and I could go back to pretending to be asleep in peace.

So now we really have to get the door fixed because NOW, instead of a janky door, we have a door without a knob.…which means we have a door with a big gaping hole, positioned directly in front of and facing the toilet.

Isn’t New York City great?

Mother Nature is a Tease

Yesterday was quite a glorious day here in New York City.

There seemed to be this new experience happening amongst the 8 million people wandering around Manhattan. Reactions ranged from pure shock, incredulous surprise, and the rather uncommon emotional reaction of an actual smile.

It was March 7th, still in the depths of winter, and we were experiencing our first notion of an actual spring. At a perfect 58 degrees, the snow FINALLY melted, the coats were nowhere to be seen, and the outdoor cafes actually once again had something to do with the outdoors.

Mother Nature had taken pity on us, she had graced us with her actual pleasant presence and given us a glimmer of hope when we were all on the brink of sleeping in our snow boots in an effort to save time.

And then today happened. The day started off fairly harmless, little rain shower in the morning, nothing to be concerned about. People ventured out in their light jackets and clogs because it would only logically be at least close to yesterday’s forecast.

Oh but no…mother nature was playing a nasty, viscous trick on us and we are now in the depths of another bitter, ugly, unforgiving blizzard wearing nothing but our spring coats, girlie shoes, and unnecessary sunglasses.

So I hate to say it, but I have to - I miss California.

I hate people today

I seem to have overestimated some people’s ability to be decent human beings. This has left me in a state of significant (albeit probably temporary) hatred for some folks here in New York City.

I find it difficult to understand a person who finds it unneccesary to say Thank You when the proper time occurs. I also can’t seem to wrap my head around a person who refuses to acknowledge that life does not revolve around them, their issues, their egos, or their pride.

I get that we are all inherently selfish beings, and that looking out for number one is always on the agenda and probably a smart way to live for the most part. I just don’t understand how you can wake up with yourself everyday and believe that other people’s hurt feelings are worth yours remaining firmly intact and undisturbed.

Having said all that, I am officially taking a vacation from the human race. I’m not quite sure what my options are but i am sure i can get creative.

PROJECT SHALLOW

Lately, it has proven very difficult for me to concentrate on the superficial aspects of my life. I have been too distracted by good friends, intelligent conversations, and adoring compliments about how fabulous I am to truly focus on the exterior - the part that really counts.

I have let myself go. Granted my idea of letting myself go includes only two trips to the gym a week and only one appointment to have SOMEONE else blow dry my hair, but still, I must practice what I preach.

Therefore, I am implementing PROJECT SHALLOW. The guidelines and requirements of PROJECT SHALLOW are as follows:

1. Two hours at the gym six days a week regardless of rain, sleet, or snow.
2. On the seventh day, to validate absence of gym attendance, a facial, manicure, and pedicure must be administered.
3. Daily hair maintenance - a ponytail is only allowed once a week - all other times hair must be blown out to look shiny, soft, and flowing ever so seductively over my shoulders.
4. No alcohol
5. No whining - its unattractive.

Foreseeable problems that may interfere and perhaps sabotage PROJECT SHALLOW:

1. Friends - “Fuck the gym, let’s go out!”
2. Men - “You don’t need the gym.” (oh so dangerous)
3. Money - beauty is not only painful my friends but expensive - consistent blow outs, manicures, pedicures, and facial costs will severely dent my bank account - and before you ask NO - I will not do those things at home…shallow and snob generally go hand in hand.
4. Tequila!
5. Work - ten to twelve hour workdays generally lead to no energy which could pose a problem, its somewhat hard to do sit ups when one doesn’t have the energy to actually sit up.

So I am currently weighing the pros and cons. The anticipated problems could be too much for one person to handle alone. I think I may have to recruit another shallow person to participate in this project, the logical choice being Clint.

Additions to PROJECT SHALLOW are welcome, if I have forgotten key elements to leading a truly superficial existence I would love to hear them, along with any likely problems. When I am rich I can pay people to give me advice, suck the fat out of me, get rid of my wrinkles, and of course pay me compliments, but for now I must pretend to care enough to do this on my own.

WEDDING PLANS

Clint and I have finally decided to get married.

Yes, yes i know - he’s gay, but that is so not the point right now.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and after much consideration we have decided that we just can’t take it anymore. A man has caused both of us so much pain and suffering that it has become clear that we are each other’s only salvation.

The man who has ruined our lives goes by the name of George W. Bush, some people use this silly term President when they say his name, but Clint and I simply refuse. As hard as we try to ignore it, it seems that some people may also choose to continue to let this brainless excuse for a human being run the country. Therefore we have decided to flee.

If the “President” gets re-elected Clint and I will have a big gay wedding in New York City, to which we expect everyone to attend, and then prepare for our move. Where you might ask? Well as a sincere Fuck You to the American people who vote for Bush, Clint and I will be using the beauty of my dual citizenship - we will be moving to France.

At the moment we have not decided on the specific location, Clint is all about GAY Paris, while I am pushing for a more neutral place, a little village just outside of Nice would be best, near a “big city”, just shy of Italy, a hop skip and a jump to Monte Carlo, I like some variety.

We plan on drinking lots of wine, eating lots of rich beautiful food without gaining an ounce, taking weekend trips to other countries because we can, and most importantly finding men to “spice” up the marriage.

However, we would like to stay. Marriage is eventually such a chore and the move would cause a lot of stress in what is supposed to be our honeymoon phase. So I am making a desperate plea - if you love us and want us to stay - vote for Kerry.

If you’re dumb enough to vote for Bush then consider us strangers - hateful strangers.

And if you vote for Kerry and Bush still wins, we expect you to visit.

The Uninvited Houseguest

I have mouse.

I have a creepy, crawly, scared little mouse living in my house with me and he has decided to camp out in my bedroom.

Now after the initial “Fuck me that’s a mouse!” reaction I became strangly sympathetic to the poor dirty little creature. Why? Well to begin with its harmless, it probably is just looking for food - which is funny since this bitch doesn’t even cook so there is no chance of finding any food anywhere near me unless the mouse comes along to the restaurant of choice for the evening.

More importantly it is probably more scared of me than I could ever be of him. In fact when I saw it scurry across th edge of my wall and let out my girly squeal it seemed to realize ” oh shit, i went the wrong way” and it scurried back to where it came from and i have not seen it since. So he seems to be avoiding me as much if not more than i am avoiding him.

The bigger problem is the noises. Now everytime i hear a sqeak of a door, a rustling of a paper, even a voice outside, i start looking all over the room for the little fucker. i don’t actually know whats worse, seeing it or hearing it and wondering what its doing. Speaking to my mom also did no good as her response (after squealing and screaming in my ear over the phone) was “Where there’s one, there’s ten more” which really helped my frame of mind.

But the dilemma is how to get rid of it. If i had a cat i would just figure its a battle of David and Goliath and if the little mouse is meant to exist then the cat simply won’t catch him but will merely scare him. However, I don’t have a cat…i also don’t have my dog Rocky who would be cowering in the corner with me and at the very least providing me with some emotional support. So I have to catch it and that means one of two things - I either have to use a trap that will kill it or I have to use a trap that will catch it in a “humane way”.

But either way I will be disturbed. If i kill it then i essentially have murdered a poor defenselss little creature and if i trap it i have to check the traps and deal with a creepy crawly dirty rodent!

I don’t know what to do. I am also scared to tell my roommate as he is more of a girl than I am and I think he may have a seizure if he finds out that there is a mouse in the house. And I don’t know what’s worse for my mental health - killing my roommate with the information that there is a mouse or killing the mouse myself.

what’s a cowardly girl to do?

For All of Us Nerds Out There

Just a couple movie and tv remake tidbits to either totally disgust you or totally excite you…you be the judge.

Fox is producing a live-action feature film based on ‘50s and ‘60s cartoon critter series Alvin and the Chipmunks.…wow is all i have to say on that one.

Per Variety, Fox Searchlight giving the go-ahead for a remake of 1984’s hit comedy, Revenge of the Nerds. The update will likely feature cameos of original cast members as well.

And a little update about the ever important pending Growing Pains film thanks to recent drunk driving escapades of sister Carol (her mug shot on the smoking gun website will break your heart):

Gold next plans to reunite with the Growing Pains gang of Kirk Cameron, Alan Thicke, Joanna Kerns and Jeremy Miller for a two-hour telefilm, Growing Pains II: Home Equity. The TV movie is scheduled to air on ABC in October - woo hoo!

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE THIS WEEK

I am in a hateful mood, so if i offend anyone - i don’t care. Enjoy!

10. Climbing the unavoidable invisible ladder at work and having some stupid bitch knock you off mid climb.….this happened to my favorite person this week -Clint. And on his behalf I am voicing my hate for stupid ugly women who are TOO OLD to still be an assistant - you are taking the jobs away from us!!! go start your own company or go have a baby, i don’t care - just stop stealing our jobs! greedy? yes…irrational - NO.

9. Tourists - they are REALLY pissing me off this week - just fucking WALK - stop looking up at everything, maybe if you kept your eyes moving and focused on things on your eye level you could avoid the hissy fit you have later when you find out that someone swiped your wallet.

8. Hasidic Jews who don’t wear deodorant because of their religious beliefs when its 85 degrees outside with 90% humidity.…yeah well my religious beliefs tell me that you stink and you should be hanging out with the homeless if you wanna be with people who will support this ridiculous notion.

7. Every girl’s need between the ages of 9 and 25 to dress like Paris Hilton.…hello - people make fun of her for a reason…yes there are several, but her skanky bad taste is top of the list.

6. Uneducated Jamba Juice customers - it is not that complicated!!! Just say protein and you will get something good, but make a god damn decision already.

5. People who own million dollar companies who can’t seem to work the remote control to the gym tv.…nough said.

4. All you stupid bitches with your IPods.…i hate you.

3. Men with bad manners.…i will not go into to detail but it is UNACCEPTABLE to have bad manners around a lady…especially this lady.

2. Women who wear low rise jeans who have love handles the size of Montana.…you bitches have no friends cause anyone who loves you would tell you to check yourself before you leave the house looking like that.…i may be shallow but it is not possible that all you bitches are blind.

1. My boss’ sister in law - cause she died and made my boss come back from vacation early for the funeral…not cool man.

Oh Poor Superman...

Due to the interest I know we all have in the progression of the new Superman movie, I think it is necessary that everyone read and enjoy this recent article from Eonline about the newest developments of the film.

Apparently there is a new director - Bryan Singer of Xmen fame…and someone is not happy about it.

Click Here

What's A Girl To Do?

I have the travel bug. He interrupted my pleasant happy slumber in New York City.

I don’t know how I caught him or why he decided to visit me mid summer for no apparent reason, but I caught him and I must say I am somewhat angry with him. The primary reason for my anger - I have no money. And with a lack of money comes a lack of traveling. But with this stupid, pestering, taunting bug in my life all I can think about is where I want to go and what I want to do that doesn’t involve where i am now.

Don’t get me wrong, life is fabulous, but i’m young enough to make impulsive stupid decisions like moving to another country for months on end. My downfall is that I have these ridiculous adult responsibilities like a job and bills to pay in one of the most expensive cities in the world. And for me to truly have the travel experience that I enjoy - an indefinite period of hanging out, working, and speaking a language other than english - i have to literally drop everything.

the worst part is having the indisputable independence of a 22 year old and the mindset of a 35 year old. What about my job? what about bills? what about money? all these questions are enough to dissuade me from picking up and moving to the south of france for six months.…and then that god damn bug keeps waking me up.

My Deep Love for Pigtails and Mismatched Shoes

For anyone who is unaware, my sister and I have a deep love for all things from the 80’s and any childhood television show or movie that others pretend they don’t really miss. Well I full out admit that I have missed Punky Brewster. So when my sister and I were browsing through the DVD selection at Best Buy it was no suprise that she bought the Superman Box Set - with all four Superman movies (even the really awful yet fabulous fourth one) - and I bought the first season of Punky Brewster.

Now some people might think who in the world would sit and watch old episodes of Punky Brewster unless they randomly appeared on tv and you were in a state of perpetual boredom. Well i can name two - ME and definitely CLINT.

Last night we sat and watched, in four year old glee, the first three episodes of our beloved Punky. It was so good - and i mean that. Soleil Moon Frye was so unbelievably talented, she without a doubt puts childhood actors of this generation to shame. And it is a good fucking show! its actually funny..i thought i would be laughing merely out of obligation, one of those “oh that was so funny when i was little” kind of laughs. But no, Clint and I were outright laughing, i am telling you this show is unappreciated brilliance.

It even made me cry by the second episode. now i know that says a hell of a lot more about my emotional issues than it does about the show - but still! Did i cry when i watched old shows like Facts of Life? NO. Did i cry when i watched Family Matters? NO. Did I cry when i watched Who’s the Boss? okay…once. Did I cry when i watched Full House? okay, twice - but i had a crush on John Stamos so that doesn’t count. This show is special, i already know i’m gonna cry when Brandon gets hit by a car in the episode “I Love You Brandon”, its just unavoidable.

So the Punky marathon continues for the next couple days, we’ve got four discs to get through and i can’t wait. After the marathon is over Clint and I will then start planning the development of Punky Brewster - The Movie.

WHAT?!?!?!

Now I would like to start off this posting by stating that I am not even particularly obsessed with Pride and Prejudice - and I still find this offensive.

Some stupid bitch from Austin, Texas wrote a sequel to Pride and Prejudice. That’s funny…i don’t remember Jane Austen rising from her grave and giving permission to anyone who feels like it to decide what happens to Darcy and Lizzie after they get married.

Here is the summary from Amazon.com. The book is titled “Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife: Pride Prejudice Continues” and it is written by Linda Berdoll aka Stupid Bitch.

I would have included the link - but i’m don’t know how (and yes i know i need to learn).

This rollicking sequel to Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice was originally self-published in 1999 as The Bar Sinister. In Berdoll’s wild, bawdy, and utterly enjoyable novel, the Darcys begin their married life as one of the happiest, most in-love couples imaginable. Berdoll picks up the story after their wedding, but flashes back to the days after the courtship, when Elizabeth and Darcy’s passion for each other grew stronger. After a spicy wedding night, the couple finds their compatibility extends far beyond their matched wits. As Elizabeth settles into her role as mistress of a large household, her sister Jane grapples with her own, less passionate marriage to Charles Bingley. Thrown in as well are an illegitimate young man who just might be Darcy’s son, a vengeful serving man who plagues the Darcys and develops an unhealthy fixation on Elizabeth, and suspicions of infidelity. Austenites who enjoy the many continuations of her novels will find much to love about this wild ride of a sequel, especially Berdoll’s depiction of the enduring, strong love between Elizabeth and Darcy.

I really really want to be upset about this

From time to time, I feel it necessary to complain about the lack of original ideas left in the entertainment industry. Everything is getting recycled to the point where I’m becoming very disillusioned by the whole business. Then, reality (well, my reality) sets in and I think well, it doesn’t matter I will change all that.

But for now, remake after remake is being made, or really really familiar plot lines seem to keep popping up. So it is good to just deal with it as best as I know how, which is why I have to acknowledge two new remakes in the works that will either passionately piss people off, or get everyone as excited as their former six year old self that used to be obsessed with these films.

The first one is by far one of my favorite childhood films. THE BAD NEWS BEARS is being remade, with a brilliant bit of casting I might add. Because as much as I disagree with remakes on the whole, if they get the APPROPRIATE actors for the part, the movie can again be a wonderful thing.

Now some may disagree but I think the person they have gotten to play the coach is excellent and will do a great job. Billy Bob Thornton will be taking over for the amazing Mr. Walter Matthau. And in terms of crankiness, bitternes, and overall nastiness, I think Billy Bob is perfect. After seeing the man in Bad Santa I have no doubts that this role will again be hilarious thanks to his brilliant talents. My initial anger at the idea of this remake was subdued by the news of the involvement of Billy Bob. So good luck to him…now it all comes down to the kids, cause quite honestly who is gonna replace Tatum O’Neal???

Okay now for the more distressing of the remakes.…well it will be a new movie…just an old idea…they are making another HERBIE film. Yes…you read that correctly, our main man Herbie is coming back to help silly adults fall in love and win car races. Apparently this time around good old Herbie finds himself smack dabb in the middle of a NASCAR race..will that work for me? i’m not quite sure yet.

Casting for the new Herbie film is still underway but they have already cast one of my personal favorite young actresses in the film. Lindsay Lohan, the queen of remakes, will be in the fim. And I have to say, considering the fact that I loved her in The Parent Trap remake - which i thought i would hate - and I loved her in the Freaky Friday remake - which I also thought I would hate - I’m thinking this may turn out to be an okay venture..but of course time will tell.

So I am currently torn between my passionate, all about new ideas and new films adult self, and my excited, silly, volkswagen, little league baseball loving six year old self. I want to call the executives at the studios and scream at them for not helping emerging young new writers, and I want to start lining up to buy my tickets to these movies all at the same time.…its just a nasty busines.

The Most Hateful Show on TV

I feel it necessary to discuss the newest and by far the most hateful show to ever appear on national television. Prior to this discovery I truly believed Extreme Makeover was one of the meanest and most entertaining shows available. But no.…Fox has surpassed ABC’s right to ridicule the ugly people of America.

This new show I speak of is called The Swan. The premise is to take a handful of the ugliest, most pathetic women they can find and make them as beautiful as plastic surgery and any means besides magic and prayers will allow.

So in the beginning it is equal in hate with Extreme Makeover by broadcasting to the nation how truly ugly you happen to me, so ugly that a network decided that they have to help you look at least moderately attractive. Then they proceed to follow you through the MONTHS and MONTHS it takes to make this transformation happen, thereby showing America how much pain you went through to be beautiful…or in the majority of cases…less ugly.

Now The Swan goes one step further and pushes the hateful factor so far that I truly must applaud them. After they have taken these women through months and months of plastic surgery - and not once allowing them to look at themselves in a mirror - they finally reveal the finished product to the unsuspecting former ugly ladies. After the excitement, the screams, the crying, the disbelief at how much money can actully buy, Fox throws in the hate.

Now that you all THINK you’re finally pretty we’re going to decide which ones of you are pretty ENOUGH to particpate in a beauty contest. Now that we have boosted your self esteem to levels of shallowness you never thought possible, we’re going to destroy any ounce of self confidence you have on national tv by eliminating the women who still aren’t up to standards after complete facial reconstruction, liposuction, tummy tucks, butt lift, boob jobs and God knows what else.

This my friends is true hate at work and I cannot wait to watch and sit with my mouth agape in horror at the pains these poor women have to go through to possibly be accepted by tv standards. It premieres tonight on Fox at 9pm after another wonderful hateful show American Idol with Mr. Hate himself, Simon Cowell (whom I also cannot get enough of…i think its the smirk). I will be tuning in to participate in the hate…cause quite frankly I just can’t resist. Judge me all you want, i don’t care.

Silencing my inner rich girl...for now

I recently went on a shopping trip that has made me rethink all my shopping standards.

Now generally I refuse to go shopping unless i have money, so needless to say I no longer go shopping. I seem to have major emotional issues with having to hunt for “quality” pieces of clothing at H&M or any other cheap yet still fabulous establishment. I won’t even do the sales bins at Victoria Secret’s, it just feels a little low class to me.

As shallow as this sounds, I feel it in my bones that I am meant to be rich. Yet somehow there was a glitch in communication when I dropped from heaven. Although I landed in a family immersed in culture and beauty, as requested, the man upstairs seemed to have overlooked the cash factor. Perhaps he thought i was being TOO shallow.

Anyway, in my attempt to live it up in New York I often find it necessary to wear clothes other than my yoga pants and oversized flashdance like sweatshirt when going out to socialize - much to my dissapointment. After tiring of H&M escapades, realizing that even Express is out of my price range, and countless hours spent just standing outside the Valentino store on Madison Avenue, I ventured out into the truly ghetto fabulous stores.

My inner rich girl crying out for Chanel was suprisingly silenced by the $9.99 prices for rather decent, form fitting clothing. Former difficulties in finding clothes that enhance my breasts, accentuate my small waist and flatter my bootyliciousness seemed to be a complete thing of the past - apparently my figure is ghetto fabulous! And although I did not walk away with a whole new wardrobe (cause lets face it, I will never allow myself to be that tragic) I did walk away with a whole new respect and love of cheap clothing - and a new shirt!

So now I am addicted and feel the need to browse in stores whose names I can’t recall, and find at least one piece of clothing per week for under $10, giving me a sense of accomplishment from living on my budget and still going on a “shopping spree” every weekend. I’m almost proud of myself.

Its the little things in life.…

MY RECENT INTERACTION WITH CHILDREN

Those of you who know me, and quite frankly anyone who has met me, generally become aware that kids and I just don’t click. I don’t think I even really liked kids when i WAS a kid, there were very few exceptions.

Last night I agreed to go out to dinner with my friend Rebecca and the kid she is a Nanny for. They also brought along one of his friends. Rebecca promised me they were cool kids and that I would like them…and I have to be honest she was right. Her best advice to me was to think of kids as constantly drunk little adults, gives you more of a reason to excuse stupid behavior. And for some reason this logic really worked well for me. And although I was on my best behavior I can’t completely change my personality for the sake of a couple of ten year olds.

My conversation with the kids:

Tommy: “Rebecca says you don’t hang out with kids - why not?”

Chris (Tommy’s friend): “Yeah, why not?”

Me: “Cause I don’t like them.….but there’s an exception to every rule so congratulations on your part.”

Later on that night, I thought maybe I was a little harsh in blatantly pointing out to two ten years old that I don’t like their kind. But when I arrived to work in the morning sitting on my desk were two glorious Rice Krispie Treats (a personal favorite) that Tommy had given to Rebecca to give to me since he knew I liked them.

Cute kid…smart kid.…i’ll definitely be up for hanging out with him again.…maybe once a year…from a distance.

I LOVE THIS ONE

I felt it necessary to share this little story as very few things make me laugh out loud. And seeing as how I hate the Bush administration I feel it necessary to spread the hate around to everyone I know, especially when the hate is soaked in humor.…

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children

what their fathers did for a living. All of the typical answers came up -

fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being

uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

He slowly replied, “My Dad’s an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off

all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really

good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for

money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by David’s statement, hurriedly set the other

children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him,

“Is that really true about your Dad?”

“No,” replied David. “He works in the Bush Administration, but I was too

embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”

TOO FUNNY

REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN

Scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE announced the
discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically
determined. This caused uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a
chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism,
discovered after a decades long study of quintuplets in Orange County,
CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing
communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans’
unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional
tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics — a remarkably high
percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and
emotionally distant mothers who didn’t teach them how to be kind and gentle.

Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. “After all,”
said one author of the NURTURE article, “It’s quite common for a Republican
to have a brother or sister who is a Republican.” The finding has been
greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who
sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable
children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy
On hearing of the findings. “I just knew it was genetic,” she said, seated
With her two sons, both avowed Republicans. “My boys would never freely
Choose that lifestyle!” When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she
said, “You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego
On TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not
rich, you know.” Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an
early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they
became convinced it wasn’t just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high
incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing
not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of
the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican
at least once — or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that
three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although
most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating
conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn’t “choose” their
lifestyle any more than someone “chooses” to have a ski-jump nose, they
shouldn’t be denied civil rights, which other minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical
stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans
can’t help, there’s no reason why society shouldn’t tolerate Republicans in
The military or even high elected office — provided they don’t flaunt their
political beliefs.

For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In
a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry?

End
Author Uncredited

THE BOREDOM FACTOR

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO AT YOUR SHITTY SECOND JOB THAT YOU HAVE TO KEEP TO PAY YOUR RENT

10. You start taking quizzes with titles like “What’s Your Inner Eye Color”.…cause knowing my actual eye color just isn’t good enough when i’m bored.

9. You have drafted five different resumes.…in case you ever leave this shitty second job for another more enticing form of forced employment.

8. You start going through the guest list of the hotel trying to figure out all the secret names the stars and movie executives use so that people like me can’t force their resume on them.

7. You start looking at all the websites of your past employers so you can sit at your desk and remind yourself “Well.…at least I don’t work THERE anymore.”

6. You have literally googled everyone you have ever met before.…even the people you hate.

5. Your Amazon wish list has over 100 items on it…cause when you’re bored and making mere pennies you start thinking about all the stuff you want people to buy for you.…and they need options.

4. You become an expert at basic computer games such as the always intoxicating Solitaire.…yes my friends I can win a game of Solitaire in 59 seconds…beat that.

3. You start having conversations with people who you would never give the time of day to unless otherwise forced by the boredom factor.

2. You start emailing people you haven’t spoken to in FOREVER and asking them for all the details of their life…not because you’re interested but just because its something to read that requires zero brain power.

1. You start wishing you had homework to do.….sad but true

THERE IS A GOD

I will admit openly that this is a sad thing to be so excited about, but having lived without it for close to three years now, i simply have no shame.

Jamba Juice has finally opened up a store in Manhattan…and its a mere three blocks away from my work!!! Now those of you on the west coast who only know a world that includes a Jamba Juice on every corner can not possibly understand the thrill of this discovery. Because until it is taken away you have no idea how much it meant to you and how much you need it. Upon moving to New York there is the universal Californian reaction of “I’m sorry but what do you mean when you say i can’t live off a liquid diet?!”

And i am not alone my friends. Once I discovered heaven on earth in midtown manhattan I proceeded to call every west coaster i knew to share in my joy. The reactions varied from pure shock, childlike squeals of joy, and “Dude…you have to bring me one!”

So for all us closet Californians living in New York - yesterday was a very good day.

I Miss My Old Cat

I hate that even I have to admit to this but I have come to accept the widely known fact that cats are smarter than dogs. This has come to my full attention by the pathetic acts of my dog Rocky.

Having been a dog and cat owner at different points in my life I have always known that I am in fact a dog person and would much rather own a dog over a cat. But it has come to my attention that there is something wrong with my dog.…namely that he’s coward.

After much effort and many a bug spray every once in awhile in New York you are bound to see a cockroach or two. You get used to it, its really no big deal, but they are still disgusting, ugly, evil little things that should be killed at any given opportunity. So last night Rocky found a cockroach in my bedroom and preceeded to whimper - not growl - but whimper…as if in fear. Seeing what it was I put Rocky right in front of it and told him to be a manly dog and kill it and he proceeded to whimper and literally back away from the cockroach. In the end I had to kill it while he hid in the closet on the other side of the room.

Now my issue is that I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO KILL IT MYSELF IF I HAD A CAT. Because cats are smart, and bitchy, and vindictive. A cat would have killed it, played with its dead body, and then eaten it. But I have a dog, and my dog is a cowardly little girl.…I am a very disspointed parent right now.

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE THIS WEEK

I feel it is as just as healthy to be open about things you hate as you are with the things you love, hence a list to sum up my issues for the week.

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE THIS WEEK

10. People who go to the gym because they want to not because they have to.…..that must feel nice… and hating them for it feels even better.

9. Money.…cause i don’t have any.

8. Complex carbohydrates.…nough said.

7. times square.….cause it promotes stupidity and prostitution.….prostitution i can handle.…but that whole stupid tourist factor causes me to hate.

6. people who call to tell me they’re bored and expect me to entertain them.…..i didn’t sign up for that.

5. emotionally unavailable men who pretend to be emotionally available.….thats just mean.

4. Mr. Big’s absence from Sex and the City this season.….this is a problem for me.…a shallow problem yes, but a problem all the same.

3. ugly MEAN people.….i’m sorry but you have NO room to be mean and hateful…you should be nice to everyone you meet…one day they might buy you plastic surgery.

2. men who hit on you when you haven’t made any real eye contact and you’re listening to your headphones while examining your cell phone.…you know he’s a good catch when he can pick up all the signals .……

1. Over-processed tan women who just can’t BELIEVE how pale skinned i am.…..yeah, you’ll be laughing on the other side of your wrinkled ugly face when i’m 40 and i still look 22.

My Very First Time

So its finally happened…i’ve finally been sucked in by Cementhorizon. You can all blame my sister Nuala for this new addition to your community…but quite frankly, as most of you know, I’m fabulous..so its safe to say nobody’s web experience will be affected in a negative way.

I guess i should provide a little bio for the people. I live in New York City, I work for a theatrical producer, I don’t sleep enough, I don’t really like to go out but I somehow seem to be out all the time.…hmm what else.….i have a very sarcastic, dry sense of humor so some people think i can be mean but i’m only mean if you give me reason to be, that being said if i don’t like you, you’ll know it, and if i love you, you’ll definitely know it.….…i love animals, i miss my sister’s cooking, i hate New York during the summer, I love London no matter what time of year it is, and I will one day own a home in the south of France and be surrounded by all my kept men.

I guess thats it. I will do my best to be interesting and dynamic and not offend too many people…but I can’t make any promises…but, again, in the end you can always blame my sister.