November 11, 2004


Lately, it has proven very difficult for me to concentrate on the superficial aspects of my life. I have been too distracted by good friends, intelligent conversations, and adoring compliments about how fabulous I am to truly focus on the exterior - the part that really counts.

I have let myself go. Granted my idea of letting myself go includes only two trips to the gym a week and only one appointment to have SOMEONE else blow dry my hair, but still, I must practice what I preach.

Therefore, I am implementing PROJECT SHALLOW. The guidelines and requirements of PROJECT SHALLOW are as follows:

1. Two hours at the gym six days a week regardless of rain, sleet, or snow.
2. On the seventh day, to validate absence of gym attendance, a facial, manicure, and pedicure must be administered.
3. Daily hair maintenance - a ponytail is only allowed once a week - all other times hair must be blown out to look shiny, soft, and flowing ever so seductively over my shoulders.
4. No alcohol
5. No whining - its unattractive.

Foreseeable problems that may interfere and perhaps sabotage PROJECT SHALLOW:

1. Friends - “Fuck the gym, let’s go out!”
2. Men - “You don’t need the gym.” (oh so dangerous)
3. Money - beauty is not only painful my friends but expensive - consistent blow outs, manicures, pedicures, and facial costs will severely dent my bank account - and before you ask NO - I will not do those things at home…shallow and snob generally go hand in hand.
4. Tequila!
5. Work - ten to twelve hour workdays generally lead to no energy which could pose a problem, its somewhat hard to do sit ups when one doesn’t have the energy to actually sit up.

So I am currently weighing the pros and cons. The anticipated problems could be too much for one person to handle alone. I think I may have to recruit another shallow person to participate in this project, the logical choice being Clint.

Additions to PROJECT SHALLOW are welcome, if I have forgotten key elements to leading a truly superficial existence I would love to hear them, along with any likely problems. When I am rich I can pay people to give me advice, suck the fat out of me, get rid of my wrinkles, and of course pay me compliments, but for now I must pretend to care enough to do this on my own.

Posted by Adrienne at November 11, 2004 09:05 AM

Having implemented something very much like Project Shallow recently, I must warn against it. It leaves you feeling yucky inside (see Katabasis post "Envy"), and disappointed when the guerilla gym schedule fails to shed whatever pounds or shape whatever parts it was supposed to. Keep your money and friends and make your own compliments, that's what I say (though you'll still find me at Nordstrom's on Sunday trying to pick out the "skinny" jeans).

Posted by: christine on November 11, 2004 01:48 PM

good advice....gym burnout is a definite forseeable problem. and then there's the fact that all this time spent on gym and beauty will result in no time for anyone to actually see the end result! and my friends are already shallow, they would tell me if i was too ugly to hang out with them....i'm still debating the plan.

Posted by: adrienne on November 11, 2004 01:57 PM

I would be the first person to tell you if you were to ugly to be seen with in public. I, regrettably, am a large contributor to the #1 forseeable problem with said PROJECT SHALLOW. It would be easier for us if we belonged to the same gym that way we could do our socializing while on the treadmill shedding pounds. Sadly, these are the important dilemmas we face along with global warming, poverty, and who was mentioned in Page Six this week.

Posted by: Clint on November 11, 2004 05:57 PM

i know...its very tough being us isn't it?

Posted by: adrienne on November 12, 2004 07:58 AM