REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN
Scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE announced the
discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically
determined. This caused uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a
chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism,
discovered after a decades long study of quintuplets in Orange County,
CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing
communities.
Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans’
unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional
tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics — a remarkably high
percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and
emotionally distant mothers who didn’t teach them how to be kind and gentle.
Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. “After all,”
said one author of the NURTURE article, “It’s quite common for a Republican
to have a brother or sister who is a Republican.” The finding has been
greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who
sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable
children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.
One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy
On hearing of the findings. “I just knew it was genetic,” she said, seated
With her two sons, both avowed Republicans. “My boys would never freely
Choose that lifestyle!” When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she
said, “You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego
On TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not
rich, you know.” Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an
early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they
became convinced it wasn’t just a phase they were going through.
The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high
incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing
not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of
the same parents and family dynamics.
A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican
at least once — or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that
three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although
most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.
Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating
conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn’t “choose” their
lifestyle any more than someone “chooses” to have a ski-jump nose, they
shouldn’t be denied civil rights, which other minorities enjoy.
If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical
stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans
can’t help, there’s no reason why society shouldn’t tolerate Republicans in
The military or even high elected office — provided they don’t flaunt their
political beliefs.
For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In
a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.
But should they be allowed to marry?
End
Author Uncredited