Those of you who know me, and quite frankly anyone who has met me, generally become aware that kids and I just don't click. I don't think I even really liked kids when i WAS a kid, there were very few exceptions.
Last night I agreed to go out to dinner with my friend Rebecca and the kid she is a Nanny for. They also brought along one of his friends. Rebecca promised me they were cool kids and that I would like them...and I have to be honest she was right. Her best advice to me was to think of kids as constantly drunk little adults, gives you more of a reason to excuse stupid behavior. And for some reason this logic really worked well for me. And although I was on my best behavior I can't completely change my personality for the sake of a couple of ten year olds.
My conversation with the kids:
Tommy: "Rebecca says you don't hang out with kids - why not?"
Chris (Tommy's friend): "Yeah, why not?"
Me: "Cause I don't like them.....but there's an exception to every rule so congratulations on your part."
Later on that night, I thought maybe I was a little harsh in blatantly pointing out to two ten years old that I don't like their kind. But when I arrived to work in the morning sitting on my desk were two glorious Rice Krispie Treats (a personal favorite) that Tommy had given to Rebecca to give to me since he knew I liked them.
Cute kid...smart kid....i'll definitely be up for hanging out with him again....maybe once a year...from a distance.
I felt it necessary to share this little story as very few things make me laugh out loud. And seeing as how I hate the Bush administration I feel it necessary to spread the hate around to everyone I know, especially when the hate is soaked in humor....
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All of the typical answers came up -
fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
He slowly replied, "My Dad's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really
good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for
money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by David's statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your Dad?"
"No," replied David. "He works in the Bush Administration, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN
Scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE announced the
discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically
determined. This caused uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a
chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism,
discovered after a decades long study of quintuplets in Orange County,
CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing
communities.
Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional
tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably high
percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and
emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle.
Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all,"
said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for a Republican
to have a brother or sister who is a Republican." The finding has been
greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who
sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable
children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.
One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy
On hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated
With her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely
Choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she
said, "You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego
On TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not
rich, you know." Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an
early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they
became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.
The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high
incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing
not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of
the same parents and family dynamics.
A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican
at least once -- or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that
three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although
most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.
Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating
conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their
lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they
shouldn't be denied civil rights, which other minorities enjoy.
If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical
stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans
can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in
The military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their
political beliefs.
For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In
a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.
But should they be allowed to marry?
End
Author Uncredited
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO AT YOUR SHITTY SECOND JOB THAT YOU HAVE TO KEEP TO PAY YOUR RENT
10. You start taking quizzes with titles like "What's Your Inner Eye Color"....cause knowing my actual eye color just isn't good enough when i'm bored.
9. You have drafted five different resumes....in case you ever leave this shitty second job for another more enticing form of forced employment.
8. You start going through the guest list of the hotel trying to figure out all the secret names the stars and movie executives use so that people like me can't force their resume on them.
7. You start looking at all the websites of your past employers so you can sit at your desk and remind yourself "Well....at least I don't work THERE anymore."
6. You have literally googled everyone you have ever met before....even the people you hate.
5. Your Amazon wish list has over 100 items on it...cause when you're bored and making mere pennies you start thinking about all the stuff you want people to buy for you....and they need options.
4. You become an expert at basic computer games such as the always intoxicating Solitaire....yes my friends I can win a game of Solitaire in 59 seconds...beat that.
3. You start having conversations with people who you would never give the time of day to unless otherwise forced by the boredom factor.
2. You start emailing people you haven't spoken to in FOREVER and asking them for all the details of their life...not because you're interested but just because its something to read that requires zero brain power.
1. You start wishing you had homework to do.....sad but true